Games of Thrones Season 7 Premiere – An Unlikely Review

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‘Game of Thrones’ Season 7 Premiere: A Review by Someone Who Should *Not* Like It

For background, I am what society would label a “basic white girl” in her late 20s. My favorite movie is Love Actually and the best concert I’ve ever attended is Taylor Swift. Pictures of puppies make me cry and anytime someone walks into a room unannounced I jump AND squeal.

I am the absolute LAST person anyone would ever recommend Game of Thrones to… yet I love it….actually I’m obsessed. To put things in perspective, I recently volunteered for big fans of Game of Thrones and a good majority of the office is happy to see this show return. 

But let me be frank, I am no expert in Game of Thrones… I am constantly asking my fiancé, “What is her name again? What family does she belong to? Wait, where are they going?” (Thank goodness for his patience.) So why am I the one reviewing this praised TV show? Great question- I admire and appreciate your curiosity. To answer your question, I believe I am the last person who would ever be chosen to review GOT, and that is the very reason I am reviewing it. 


I refuse to believe I am the only person who is told, “YOU watch Game of Thrones? I’m SHOCKED.” So to all my fellow stereotype breakers….and to all the people who think that I shouldn’t like GOT… keep reading.

So here it is: a transparent script of my thoughts during the 1st episode of season 7 by a squirmish, anxious, and emotional girl.

My Brain During Game of Thrones:
  • Sansa and Jon Snow would look good together. And he does like red heads…
  • I still don’t understand why Sam is given so much screen time.
  • AHH! Arya must have taken the form of Walder Frey. And she must have poisoned all the wine.

  • THE REVERSE RED WEDDING!!
  • DANG! Arya looks as powerful as she probably feels, “The North remembers, tell them winter came for House Frey.
  • OH new city on the map! Is that where the Targaryens are from?  
  • DANG GET IT GIRL!  (forget her name… but she would probably be mad if she heard me call her a girl). You don’t need permission from no man!
    • After googling, her name is Lady Lyanna Mormont.
  • Who are these small children Jon Snow is calling up? Bless their hearts. They look terrified.
  • Sansa is speaking some truth annnnd it seems a bit harsh. Jon and Sansa can’t get on the same page.
  • Jon Snow and Sansa are definitely going to make out by the end of this season.

  • Is it just me or does Jon Snow look shorter this season? Maybe Sansa has some heels on.
  • I wonder if Cersei is liking her short hair now and is keeping it this length.
  • Why are they walking on such a beautiful map?! It’s fresh paint people!
  • “Our baby boy”- words spoken by a sister and brother. Eekk.
  • GET OFF THAT MAP!
  • Why are they called the iron born? Wasn’t their crown made from drift wood?
  • My fiancé is trying to explain this iron born thing… still doesn’t make sense.
  • This show has been very PG so far. 28 minutes in without any nudity or stabbings
  • I wonder if Cersei’s character is based on Donald Trump. Maybe that’s why they are keeping her hair short.

  • This iron born guy looks like Gerard Butler.
  • My fiancé says Gerard Butler would be so mad if he knew I said that.  
  • Now he wants me to google “Cast of Dawson’s Creek”
  • Paused the show. Settling this doppelgänger debate on Google.
  • We have agreed Iron Born guy with 2 good hands looks like Joshua Jackson, who played Pacey Witter in Dawson’s Creek
  • UGH can we please fast-forward through Sam’s part? BORING.
  • Ewww all of this gagging and scraping is disgusting. Grossest part of the episode so far.
  • EEKK HARRY POTTER CHARACTER! This guy always has an awesome introduction–first transforming from a chair into chubby Professor Slughorn, now as a surgeon/ Archmaester cutting out organs (who looks super, super old).

  • Has it really been that long since Harry Potter Six came out?
  • Slughorn sounds like a man who doesn’t believe in Global Warming… with all this evidence…doesn’t believe it, doesn’t want to hear it.
  • WINTER IS HERE SLUGHORN!

  • Oh em gee- I love Game of Thrones. It just hits me at random moments.
  • LOVE THE IDEA OF BRIENNE OF TARTH & TORMUND BEING TOGETHER! YAS.
    • Realizing I’m too emotionally attached to just the mere idea of them together. Can’t become too attached. They will end up dying.


  • Sansa has zero filter and I love it.
  • ED SHEERAN IS HERE?! I honestly hate this. When I see his face, I think of Ryan Seacrest. He might as well be using an iPhone 7 and drinking a Starbucks latte by the fire.

  • “I want Ed Sheeran to die,”- my fiancé. Can’t say I disagree…
  • WHAT IF ARYA FALLS IN LOVE WITH HIM?! No, no, she will just kill them all. Please, please, let her kill them. She will kill them… right?
  • Only 23 minutes left and this episode is still VERY PG.
  • My attention is fading… they really need to make up for Ed soon.
  • I can’t get over Ed. Who will we see next? Katy Perry?

  • Wait–are they trying to reach a younger audience??
  • The Hound’s reaction to fire is my reaction to Ed Sheeran.
  • I wish they would show us exactly what he sees in the fire.  
  • DAWWW!! Tearing up. That poor little girl. Getting attached to the Hound so he’s probably going to die soon too.  
  • If Sam knew that one day Google and Gmail were a thing… he’d be infuriated. Could have saved him YEARS and tears.
  • Phew, those braids must have taken a loooong time to do… probably as long as it would take to walk up to that castle.
  • Does anyone remember that dream/vision Daenerys had when it was snowing and she sat on the iron throne? I still think that will happen one day.
  • Has she said one word yet? I don’t think Tyrion has ever been this quiet before.

  • Okay enough of the camera angles… I get it.
  • “Shall we begin?” That sums up my thoughts exactly. This episode was an intro to the beginning. Boring yet necessary.
Episode Awards
Covered my eyes:

In the previews… when Arya slices the Fray’s head. Off to a great start! Then at (6:38) with blood spewing everywhere. Usually, I cover my eyes 6-10 times during each show. Clearly, this episode was extremely elementary compared to normal.



Screamed:

When Ed Sheeran made an appearance: out of anger- NOT fandom. And again at (55:05) that guy’s arm reaches out to Sam. It was the music more than anything. Again, only screamed 2 times. Way below average.

via GIPHY

Best Scene:

Daenerys going home. Beautifully done.

Worst scene:

Ed Sheeran signing. Especially since he didn’t get killed.

Overall score:

60% …honestly it was kind of boring. If the reverse red wedding didn’t happen at the beginning, the score would be 45%. Looking forward to the next episode and Ed dying ASAP.

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